Early in the summer I was blessed to have five of my greatest friends come stay in my home with me. Five old college roommates hanging together, relaxing kid free, drinking wine, singing and dancing in my kitchen to our own rendition of Flo-Rida...."Welcome to Val's House".
Each of us trying our hardest to live up to our college days! It was amazing and so much fun. I got to share my world with them and we all got to talk about our lives, our kids, our husbands and our beliefs and values. So much has changed since college - and not much at all has changed - crazy how that works - huh?
One of the girls and I went out to grab some snacks and refill the wine fridge and she started talking to me about her marriage (as you can imagine - this happens often with me). I knew her and her husband had gone through some rough patches - but she ensured me they were doing better now then ever.
Fortunately - her and her husband ARE smart. They got help when they needed it and fought hard to keep their relationship strong.
The only complaint or worry she had was about their sex life.
Of course I asked about their sex life - because that's how I roll - and because we're such close friends. She let me in on her secret.
They were only having sex every couple of weeks!
She tried to make excuses - and tell me that they didn't have time with two young kids and working full-time. She said it just wasn't that important in her relationship - and that her husband didn't really care.
I called BS. I told her to make time. I told her that sex was incredibly important in a marriage. Sex is a NEED - especially for men. I told her to find her sexuality and start initiating some play time with her hubby!! It doesn't have to be a night, it doesn't have to be in your bedroom, it doesn't have to be in the dark...just do it!
She was, rightly so, a little taken aback. But, that's okay - because she listened anyways.
I pulled back a little - and we changed the subject quickly to how smart our wonderful children are : )
Fortunately - Sometimes even when we think people aren't listening - they are...
I just talked to her a couple of days ago and she was so excited to tell me that her and her husband are having sex at least 2xs a week now!
She said that she realized how important it was for their relationship and now it no longer feels like a CHORE - now it's fun and exciting. I asked her what her hubby thinks about all this extra lovin' and she said - he couldn't be happier - he was thrilled and surprised with her initiative.
She didn't even think he cared originally - but now she says not only is their relationship getting stronger and stronger - he's actually listening to her more and being more attentive. They are feeling a deeper intimate connection.
The moral of the story? Sex is important to your marriage and your relationship. Intimacy and passion are important. It's not a chore - make it fun.
It's time for you to start talking about sex - and finding out what you and your partner need and want physically and emotionally.
Here are some questions to get you started....
1. When do you most like to have sex? When do you not feel like having sex?
2. What are some triggers that make you more likely to “be in the mood”?
3. What type of foreplay do you like?
4. Do you have subtle signals for initializing sex? How should I initiate sex?
5. How often would you like to have sex?
6. How can we make sex more fun and pleasurable?
Remember, ACTION CREATES CHANGE. I would love to hear what action you are taking to create change, comment below and I’ll make sure to reply back to personally!
Valerie Kolick, therapist and relationship expert has created this blog to help couples and individuals create happiness and joy in their marriages and lives. If this is your first time here, LEARN MORE here and don’t forget to Download Your FREE Extraordinary Relationship Workbook.