THE POSITIVITY GAPP
How did Module 1 go? Did you discover some beliefs and mindsets that may be holding you back in your relationship? What action did you take?
Alrighty - so are you ready for Module 2?
John Gottman of the Gottman Insititue (predicts divorce at 89% accuracy) indicates that health & happy relationships are built on the foundation of admiration, friendship and positivity.
In fact, he states that we should have 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction in our marriage! (Note: Make sure to watch today’s video posted below to see how important this is!)
I know this can be tough, so I want to walk you through a simple technique that I created – that when used correctly can change the entire energy between you and your spouse.
I have to be honest, here – I actually started using this technique because of a co-worker who drove me nutz! Every time we were in a meeting, I would cringe whenever he started talking. For some reason he just annoyed me.
Then one day I realized that it’s hard to be mad or dislike someone if we can find appreciation for them. So, I started learning more about him and often reminded myself about how I admired his qualities such as speaking up in meetings, coming up with out of the box ideas, and standing up to upper management for his employees.
Once I started doing this – things really turned around. I actually wanted to know more about him and we even became friends!
The method worked so well that I started using it at parties. I’m a bit of an introvert, so it helped me to use the GAPP Method (that I’m about to teach you) to connect with people. An added bonus – when used correctly, people actually become drawn to you. I mean, how could you dislike a person that is admiring and being gracious towards you?
And of course – I finally refined this method to use in my marriage. I found that when I was really angry or upset with my husband (or let's be honest...PMSing), running through the GAPP method helped me to change my perspective, and put me in a more positive place.
So without further ado….here’s the GAPP Method:
Start by finding one or more things about the person that you are grateful for. This could be something very simple, such as, "I am grateful that he wore that beautiful tie because it reminds me of the beach." If it is a person close to you think of everything that they have brought to your life or the life of others. It doesn't matter if you express the gratitude directly to the person or just keep it as a thought.
A recent study by Williams & Bartlett (2014) proves that expressing gratitude to a stranger can quickly create a social bond. Additionally, expressing gratitude to people you are already close to can ignite your bond and increase relationship satisfaction. An added bonus: practicing gratitude can increase happiness and overall well-being, and lower depression and illness.
Every morning, I text my husband 2-3 things I'm thankful for. It helps us to get off on the right foot.
It is very difficult to dislike a person that you admire or that admires you. Finding something to admire about someone can sometimes be very tough, but if you can just find one small thing it can change your relationship. Look at all aspects of the person to find points of admiration. For example, do you like the way they dress, the way their colleagues respect them, or how hard they work to take care of their family?
Another tip is to look at areas where you judge or envy the person - these are often areas that you feel lack in your own life. Turn it around and start admiring these areas and you may find that you start showing these same traits. Marriage experts, Drs. Julie and John Gottman (www.gottmaninstitute.com) also indicate that admiration towards your partner can help create stronger marriages.
You can make this step easier by creating a list of things you admire about each of those that are close to you. That way when you are frustrated or angry with them you can quickly refer to your list. If you want to take it a step further, make a copy of the list and give it to the person!
Try to see the story from the other side. There are always many different ways to see a certain situation or person. When you find yourself at odds with someone, try to understand where they are coming from. What is their background, their beliefs, their circumstances? You don't have to agree with their perspective, you just have to try to understand it - this is empathy. When you create empathy with another person you can grow closer and remove judgments. For example, try seeing the world from the eyes of your 4 year old child to understand why she is refusing to go to bed. Monsters under the bed can be a very scary reality for a 4 year old.
When you are in a positive mind-set others will feel the good vibes and be drawn towards you. On the other hand, negativity and complaining can spread like wild fire and create an atmosphere of anger, anxiety and tension. I'm assuming you do not want any of these things present when you are trying to create or enhance a relationship. Catch yourself thinking or saying negative comments and try to replace these thoughts with more positivity. Since you have gone through the previous three steps, positivity should come easy to you!
Processing through gratitude, admiration, perspective and positivity will encourage new relationships and will instantly elevate current relationships!
The GAPP Method works because it removes your judgment about yourself and the other person, which makes others more comfortable and you more magnetic. Use this method to instantly boost any relationship or overcome any resentments or judgment.
Once you’ve watched the video and completed the exercise, grab your journal and answer the following four questions.
- What is something you learned that you didn't know before?
- What is something you re-learned? (you had known - but it hit you in a different way)
- What is something that surprised you?
- What is something you are intrigued by and want to think about it more?
Don't forget if you need support or have questions, you can pop into the FB Group anytime!