About 2 years ago, my best friend asked me, “What do you love the most about J.D. [my hubby]”
My answer, “The way he loves me.”
I was pretty proud of myself for this answer, and so was my husband. He prided himself on taking care of me and his family – so to hear this really validated him.
My best friend replied with disgust, “that’s so selfish of you!”
(Side note: this is why she’s my best friend of 20+ years, because she doesn’t sugar coat – and I love that about her.)
We argued back and forth about why this was or wasn’t a selfish or “red-flag” answer.
I understood her point of view. By saying I love the way he loves me – I wasn’t really saying anything about how I loved him or that I loved him at all. Although she knows very well the feelings are reciprocated.
We ended agreeing to disagree…
Then a couple days later, I was still thinking about this comment.
Was it wrong for me to love my husband because of the way he loved me?
2 Years later – I’ve decided that I was both Right and Wrong…fun, huh?
I was RIGHT because I was giving him the ultimate compliment!
A human’s basic need is to feel safe, loved and a sense of belonging. So in stating that I loved the way my husband loved me I was giving him the ultimate compliment that he met my most essential needs and I truly appreciated that.
Lesson Learned: Complimenting and assuring your spouse is always worth it! Even though I got some slack from my friend for my compliment – my husband felt really good about it because he knew it came from the heart.
I was WRONG because I was letting my husband OWN my happiness.
I was also saying that I NEEDED HIM in order to meet my needs of feeling safe and loved.
That sure puts a lot of pressure on my husband and can make him feel responsible for my needs and happiness.
Lesson Learned: No-one else can MAKE you truly happy. Happiness comes from within and if you are counting on your spouse to make you happy or to fulfill your needs you will be in for a big surprise – because he’s not perfect and will let you down at some time. Probably not on purpose – but it will happen.
Just imagine how it would feel if someone else’s happiness was dependent on YOU??
That’s a whole lot of pressure. Do you really want to have that added pressure and stress? So what makes you think your partner wants that added pressure and stress.
Be responsible for your own happiness and it will remove a lot of tension off your partnership – I promise!!
The statement, “I love the way he loves me” came from my heart and from a place of love towards my husband – so I still don’t believe it was a selfish or narcissistic statement.
I believe if this statement came from a different place and the person saying it did not have the same love for the person – or was “trying” to be in love – it may make the wrong impression – or be a red flag. I can see that now.
In my heart, I was simply trying to figure out the best way to say – we have a connection and a deep, intimate love that we both can feel.
Now – I’ll just say, “I love the way we love one another”
Remember, ACTION CREATES CHANGE. I would love to hear what action you are taking to create change, comment below and I’ll make sure to reply back to personally!
Valerie Kolick, therapist and relationship expert has created this blog to help couples and individuals create happiness and joy in their marriages and lives. If this is your first time here, LEARN MORE here and don’t forget to Download Your FREE Extraordinary Relationship Workbook.